952. Irv Shapiro walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed.
"Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."
"What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.
"Oy, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No
matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."
"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on
your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the
bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun
person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction.
Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."
Irv seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a
Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden
expression on his face.
"Didn't my advice work?" asked the doctor.
"Oy veh! It worked fine! For the past several weeks I've enjoyed
some of the best sex of my life with the most fabulous
"So what's the problem?"
"Can you convince my wife!?"
813. Top things heard at the grand jury inquirary
12. "Let's speed this up-who *haven't* you nailed?"
11. "Aha! So you admit you've had sex! What's it like? Is
10. "And the situation in Bosnia didn't distract you from the booty call?"
9. "Can I have some of those fries?"
8. "Do you admit my getting Dan Rather to talk about your
semen was pretty cool?"
7. "Would you *please* stop winking at the court
6. "Mr. President, how does it feel to be on the receiving
end of a probe for a change?"
5. "Would you, could you in a boat? Have you, did you with a
4. "Okay, exhibit 25-A is yet *ANOTHER* ink blot. Now, does
THIS one remind you of anything besides a beret?"
3. "Is it just my imagination, or are all of the women you
2. "Are you now, or have you ever been, in a non-erect
1. "Mr. President, did you bring any pants with you?"
1660. A preacher was asking for contributions to the church's program to buy
food for the needy. The town gambler, who also owned the saloon and
several other shady operations, offered the preacher $500. "You can't
take that," a scandalized deacon told the preacher. "That's the
devil's money." "Well, brother," said the preacher, cheerfully
accepting the gift, "in that case, the devil has had his hands
on it long enough. Now let's see what the Lord can do with it."